No N Mo No Ga My

Broken Love

This may be quite a long post. That is partly because the subject has been around and has been causing troubles since the dawn of time: monogamy within relationships. Another thing: I write this article in a rather binary ‘he and she’ way (including he/he and she/she). Not because those are the only options but because it are still (in numbers) the most prevailing situations and makes writing and reading the article easier and I am sometimes a bit of a lazy bastard.

Recently I read an article of a relationship therapist. I have some things to say about what she says in the article. I have hesitated to mention her name, because it is not my intention to attack her personally. She states a lot that is shared by a lot of her colleagues and that is why I want to give my ‘two cents’ here (remember: it is just an opinion; in this case it is mine). On the other hand, I will be quoting a lot of her texts and it feels a bit ‘plagiaristic’ to not mention her. So, the article is about Blanca van den Brand and her relationship therapy practice specializing in the relationship after cheating. She holds Cheat retreats in a sunny country. That may sound a bit fishy to some people, but it is really not. She works with couples that has experienced cheating of one partner (or both?) and works with them to see if the relationship can survive the cheating. A wonderful goal in my opinion.

Here are a few quotes from the article (translated via Google Translate and in Italics) with my comments added to them.

Being the highly flammable person I am, I think I know exactly where the line is between an innocent flirt and the early beginnings of a love affair. Just before the point of no-return, I always politely call my loving husband: "Are you coming to get me, honey? It's extremely dangerous here.

You know when you take a risk and cross the subtle line, so that you or you both no longer have it under control. 'A crush happens to you, you choose to cheat. Consciously or unconsciously.' This interesting principle has partly ensured that I, as a relationship therapist, started specializing in infidelity.

This is a very basic idea: you have to realize that if this happens and it will happen to a lot of people, there is already something going on. You are partnered and you get excited or even start to get feelings for another person. This already says something. For some reasons (to be discussed further on in this post) the relationship you have is not enough: you still get feelings, be it sexual, be it romantic or otherwise for someone else. This should tell you something. Most people will say, yes it tells you to run away from the danger, like the relationship therapist in this article does, when she calls her hubby. But can you really run away from who you are or are you like the Ostrich with its head in the sand?

How it started

One day I left for Italy with my husband and children. On vacation. But we never returned to our little country. That was more than twelve years ago now. I seriously never planned to emigrate, it just happened that way.

And because I love my work so much, I simply moved my practice from the Keizersgracht in Amsterdam to a tiny mountain village in the Italian Alps. I already coached many international couples and famous Dutch people and for them it was actually an advantage to be able to walk around in Italy anonymously.

In a kind of Heidi movie I received them for a few intensive days of relationship therapy. And what turned out? 85 percent of my couples were struggling with infidelity… So I organized Cheat Retreats to come out stronger together from infidelity. A bull's eye.

I am not surprised that a lot of couples who seek relationship counseling do so because of experiencing infidelity. Around cheating there are a lot of strong emotions. Not only about the fact that your partner had sex with someone else but also about all the lies that usually come along to cover up the fact that he or she had sex with somebody else. As a lot of therapists will tell you: the lying part is often the most hurtful part and I can recognize that, even though in my case I lied by omission, it still isn’t integer or fair. And do I feel it is good - though not easy - when a couple recovers after infidelity and even come out stronger? Yes, I certainly do. And would it be worth it to invest energy, time and usually money in sitting down together and do the hard work to salve the relationship? Yes it often is.

But for me an important perspective is missing here. The fact that so many people lust for someone outside their existing relationship or even seek a romantic relationship outside of their present one (which for a lot of people is much more threatening than when it is just about sex) should tell us something. Monogamy has been the prevalent model for people since centuries and has been advocated if not forced upon everyone as the sole relationship model in most European countries and the US. Don’t forgot it until the 19th and sometimes the 20th century ‘adultery’ was a punishable offence. Doing ‘the nasty’ (what a stupid expression: it should be doing ‘the nice’) with your neighbor’s spouse could get you in serious trouble, not only mentally, but also socially, financially and even in a criminal sense. And of course the trouble for women, legally and otherwise, were much much greater than for man. Personally I feel that the church (Catholic, Protestant, does not matter that much) is more than responsible for the dogma that monogamy is the only way to go.

Maybe here is the place to point out the book ‘Sex at Dawn’ of Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha that debates that in the early days of the hunter/gatherers monogamy was not the common thing. People lived in groups and sexual relationships were fluid within the group. Living and mating in pairs was not the common thong then. Only when agriculture came into play and property of land became a thing, this changed. The land and the houses and dwellings that became people’s properties, were supposed to go one’s own children after death. But that only works if you know which children are yours. And there monogamy became a practical thing, somewhat later picked up by western religion. This is of course pictured a bit broadly and whether the authors have this exactly right I dare not say. But it seems quite a logical explanation. Is it really important? Not for me. I think that in these modern times (don’t forget each time is a modern time for its inhabitants) I feel there are other reasons to suggest that monogamy need not be for everyone.

My point here is that for this therapist as for a great number of her colleagues questions such as:

• Why does this make you jealous?

• What does that mean for you?

• Is there any room for others for you and/or your partner?

• Have you ever spoken about opening your relationship up?

• What would that mean for you?

• Where from comes the need for extracurricular activities?

• What does that mean for your relationship?

Are just not asked. The possibility of opening up the relationship is very often not discussed, just as it is not mentioned in this article. And I feel that missing that perspective is old fashioned and is a pity. Of course such a solution is not for everyone but so is monogamy. A broader term for this way of relating is ‘Consensual Non Monogamy’. This is an umbrella term for quite a number of different relationship styles who have two main things in common: it is not about monogamy and it is consensual . Both (or more) partners are aware of the fact that there is room for other partners. This can sort of range from just sex (like swingers and or open relationships where there is room for sex with others but romance and actual relationships are not sought) to different forms of Polyamory where a romantic relationship is what the people are looking for, be it with one other person or with more. Within Polyamory there are also different configurations and levels of attachment possible.

I must have picked up the following quote from somewhere or someone, but I like it: if Monogamy was a car model and it had the same failure rate as the relationship model Monogamy, not a lot of this model would have been sold and the brand would not last very long.

There is a huge lot more to be said about what can be involved in opening up a relationship. The following books are very informative about this issue:

• The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton  en Janet W. Hardy

• More Than Two by Franklin Veaux, Eve Rickert and Janet W. Hardy

• Opening up by Tristan Taormino

Another quote from the article.

No regrets about affair

A solid family man who had been involved with his secretary for years, a housewife who had a sexual relationship with the neighbor, a woman who was in love with her daughter's teacher: everything passed by. Always with all the accompanying intense emotions such as guilt, shame, panic, heartbreak, jealousy, hysteria, revenge, disgust, etc.

I love being so close to people. To really see and feel them. In the heat of battle. In times of crisis. I have now guided hundreds of couples and the same things always strike me. Firstly: the unfaithful partner often does not regret the affair, but does regret the misery it has caused.

What if people could be open and honest about their wants and needs and discuss them between each other without it ending in a row? What if there could be understanding that wanting something outside the relationship, be it sex, intimacy or even romance does not mean that the feelings for the other partner are gone? Maybe people would blossom, and relationships would remain honest instead of all the hurt that comes from claiming each other for life. Would that be the case for everybody? Surely not but for a number of people it could bring out who they really are, instead of pining for what aways seemed impossible, no longer withering away from the person they were, full of life and energy, no longer shrinking mentally as a person trapped in a loving relationship. For some it would, if it could only be open for discussion.

True love

Secondly, these days I mainly see women who cheat and want to give up the family for their (new) love. Women apparently attach much more value to their feelings of being in love than men. For example, a mother of two children fell madly in love with her personal trainer. She thought she had found her soul mate and felt that she had to make the move. In my opinion, it is a strange and new development that women with young children in particular want to leave home, hearth and family. For love.

Isn’t it a shame that a good relationship (wanting something or someone else doesn’t mean the existing relationship itself is broken, I will speak more of that common misunderstanding), often involving children needs to be ended if the need for something outside that relationship becomes to strong. It all has to go: the great bond there often still was, the family that is also broken up, the heartache for the children that are often involved, breaking up the larger families who often will have to choose sides, losing the house, great burdens on finances of often both parties. All of that weighs less than the fact that there was something with someone else, a one-night stand, a relationship on the side, sex with a professional sex worker. Whatever there was, how good it was, it all has to go because he or she ….

Not just because of sex

And finally: infidelity is never (just) about sex, but more about intimacy, affection and the feeling that the other person gives you. The feeling that you are seen and heard (again) and that you feel sweet, nice and attractive (again). Infidelity is about the illusion that the other person is going to fill an emotional gap or solve a sexual problem that you often didn't even know existed.

"It all started very innocently and nicely," a client told me in all honesty. "I received exciting messages all day long full of sweet compliments. Apparently I was sensitive to that attention, because I had started to see myself primarily as a mother and no longer as a desirable woman."

My book

In my book Making love with your clothes on I talk about the 'emotional disk of 5'. The five emotional building blocks of a 5-star relationship are attention, acceptance, respect, appreciation and freedom. And that is actually what cheating is all about.

Often, due to a gap in your own relationship, there is room for someone who seems to be able to fill that gap. Couples often have been stuck in the same patterns for years. People usually do not cheat to get away from their partner, but rather to escape from the person they have become over the years: a caricature of themselves.

Here are some important issues addressed that you could read about extensively in the work of the renowned international relationship therapist Esther Perel. She has published some important books with interesting views on relationships and also specifically about cheating. She discusses a number of interesting concepts and ideas:

• Intimacy versus Desire: Esther Perel argues that while intimacy will create closeness and security, it can also dampen sexual desire: a balance is needed between the need for togetherness with the need for separateness. Another way of saying this ts that eroticism thrives on novelty and distance, which can be challenging to maintain in the routine of domestic life.

• She discusses the paradoxes of modern relationships, such as the need for both security and the need for adventure, and how these opposing needs can coexist. She advises couples to manage both needs by creating space for both connection and independence.

• Esther Perel offers in her book strategies for rekindling desire, such as embracing mystery, playfulness, and risk within the relationship.

In her book “Mating in Captivity,” Esther Perel explores various reasons why people might cheat on their romantic partners. One of the main reasons she identifies is the desire for novelty as is expressed above. Another main reason is ‘aliveness’: the cheating partner felt so incredibly alive in his or her new connection. Perel argues that infidelity is often less about seeking another person and more about seeking another version of oneself. People cheat to experience a sense of vitality, excitement, and newness that they feel is missing in their current relationship.

She also highlights that infidelity can stem from a desire to escape the constraints of a committed relationship and to reclaim a sense of freedom and individuality. This doesn’t necessarily mean that the person is unhappy in their relationship (which I find is really important to realise); rather, they might be seeking to reconnect with parts of themselves that they feel have been lost or suppressed.

So what are her views on consensual non-monogamy? Esther Perel looks at the complexities of open relationships and consensual non-monogamy in her book Mating in Captivity. She emphasizes the importance of negotiation and boundaries in these relationships. She also suggests that this can be a way to preserve and even strengthen the bond between partners.

Esther Perel argues that the traditional concept of monogamy is evolving. In the past, monogamy meant one person for life, but now it often means one person at a time (also known as serial monogamy). She believes that as people live longer, the implications of monogamy for your whole change, and couples may need to re-address and renegotiate their agreements at different stages of their lives.

Esther Perel’s views on open relationships and consensual non-monogamy are about flexibility, communication, and mutual respect. She doesn’t advocate for one type of relationship over another, but she encourages couples to find what works best for them through honest dialogue and negotiation. And that is where I fully agree. And exactly that part is wat is missing in my view as a perspective in the article that this blogpost is about and what a lot of relationship therapists - not just the one featuring in the article - don’t even take into consideration. I feel that with more knowledgeable guidance this might be a solution for partners where they can live a life that would better suit not only their needs but also who they really are.

Another view along this side of love and sexuality is that of Dan Savage. He is a columnist for quite a number of North American newspapers and has a really long running podcast on relationship advice and sexuality: Savage Lovecast. It is a funny story how his column saw the light of day. More than 25 years ago a friend of Dan started a newspaper and Dan told him that he would need a relationship advice column. When his friend asked him to write it Dan replied that how on earth could he, as a gay man, write a relationship and sex advice column for heterosexual couples? His friend stated that would be a nice fresh perspective, so Dan started to give it to heterosexuals in the same way a lot of them would react to gay people at that time. He expected a row and a quick death of the column, but it really took of and is quite a respectable long standing column and podcast for all ‘directions’. It is however not for the prudish oriented or the weak hearted though. Dan really calls them as he sees them. Talking about serial monogamy he told about someone who was really serious about monogamy in all of his seven serious relationships.  Dan put this against his own relationship of more than 25 years with his own husband where they allow themselves some adventures outside of the relationship. Dan calls this ‘monogamish’. Another way to ask this question is: where are the commitments stronger?

In the following part Mrs. van den Brand talks about one of her cases, involving infidelity by a woman who really took a backseat in the relationship and who blossomed when she got attention as a desirable woman for the first time again after a long time. The therapist argues:

Second Chance

Not to justify the behavior, but I do understand it. When you are no longer the best version of yourself in the relationship, infidelity or a divorce often feels like the ultimate salvation. It is just never the solution. Instead of untangling the knot, we prefer to cut it right away these days.

But if you see through all the ingrained patterns, there is often a surprising amount of magic possible. Infidelity does not have to mean the end of the relationship, it can also be a new beginning. A painful and confronting invitation to look at yourself and your relationship. To ask yourself questions: what went wrong and what could be better? What am I lacking? What are you lacking? In order to arrive at a more open, honest and intimate relationship. In any case, more emotionally satisfying. And perhaps more sexually active. In other words, relationship version 2.0.

Yes, I agree. With all that. There is just one perspective missing: would there be room for anything or anyone else while you are in this relationship? Can we have an honest and open discussion about that and maybe educate ourselves on the matter? Of course after deceit this will not be the first question that should be asked. There are a lot more issues that should be discussed first. But addressing this issue may shed some light on why this happened and also on maybe why this maybe does not need to be the end for the relationship. In the literature about Consensual Non Monogamy there is a lot of matter to be found where every relationship, also monogamous relationships could learn a lot from. But this post is already very long…and not at its end yet.

 Fortunately, I have a great guy myself and I don't have to eat my pasta Bolognese outside for the time being. Precisely because I feel free and intimately connected, I am not afraid to push the boundaries, but I also do not feel the need to cross them. But it remains exciting with all those temptations around us. For everything and everyone, including me. Too bad but true, or actually fortunately...”

The perfect pasta Bolognese at home. Great, but why not being able to taste the whole Italian cuisine, and the French, and the Thai and …..

I really love apple pie but the prospect of being allowed to eat only apple pie and nothing but apple pie for the rest of my life would not make me happy. It also wouldn’t be very healthy. A crippled comparison? Maybe or maybe not so...

Is this post meant to persuade everybody to dive into Consensual Non Monogamy? No, I am certain that it is not for everybody. But to have an open and honest discussion about it may not be easy but it might bring a lot of couples a more honest and fulfilling life and maybe save them from a lot of heartache, jealousy, strife, aggression even, divorce and losing so much that was valuable. In any case, it is better than secretly cheating (which you could also call Non Consensual Monogamy: having to be monogamous that you secretly do not agree with and therefore look for it elsewhere too).

This was quite a story, but I also think it is an important topic. If you feel called to respond, you can email me at …… I do not guarantee that you will get an answer but then you will at least have been able to give your opinion. There may be place for a few reactions under the blog post but I do not guarantee anything …..

Ludicolous.